To truly love someone and yet to be unable to happily share a life with them, unable to fully support each other’s wellbeing, is intensely painful and disappointing. As we become hurt or feel less safe in a relationship, our desire for connection becomes buried under self protective emotions, like anger, disappointment, or coldness. Cycles of anger, hurt, withdrawal, and blame can draw apart deeply loving partners. Recognition of the defensive pattern that drives a couple apart, allows for letting it go and cultivating a more loving and secure way of being together.
As safety grows, couples can increasingly recognize and share their more vulnerable needs to feel safe, valued, and loved. A stronger bond allows for new solutions to old, previously unsolvable problems like parenting, in-laws, financial differences, sexuality, and past infidelity.
I use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) to help couples reconnect to their underlying softer and warmer feelings towards each other. EFT is quite effective at helping couples reconnect. 70 to 75 percent of all couples treated with EFT will fully recover, and 90 percent of couples will show significant improvement in their relationships.